Holier Than Cow And Greater Than Thou

Read the previous section of this series here


The typical Self-proclaimed Virat Hindu – II

I could write a voluminous thesis. But in no way would I ever be able to explain – as beautifully as the Bhagwad Gita does – the intricacies of the minds of the specimen called ‘Virat Hindu’. Why the Gita is widely regarded as the greatest spiritual lesson of all times is that it can convey all the workings and nuances of the human mind.  Take the following stanzas, which so succinctly and precisely describe our self-proclaimed Virat Hindu – to the point of absolute astonishment! In Chapter 2, texts 42–44, the beauty of Bhagvad Gita illuminates us with an understanding of this peculiar breed of Idiot Hindus. Bhagwan Shri Krishna says:

Gita Press Gorakhpur

Bhagwan Shri Krishna here explains to Arjuna: “Arjuna, those full of worldly desires and with limited understanding get attracted to the lofty word of the Vedas, which speak of elaborate rituals for elevation to celestial abode, and they unwisely assume that there is no higher principle described in them. They utter flowery speech and glorify only those portions of the Vedas that please their senses and perform grand rituals for worldly goods like attaining higher birth, pelf, sensual enjoyment and elevation to heavenly planes. Those whose minds are carried away by such words while they are attached to worldly pleasures and power, and their intellect confounded by these, are unable to possess the determinate clarity for success in the path of Truth.”

Does not this description sound familiar? Look around and look closely, and you will notice that the man who was acting all high and mighty, giving pompous ‘pravachans’ (lecture) on ‘Dharma,’ ‘Karma,’ ‘Sanskara’ and ‘Puja-paddhatti,’ is the one who Bhagwan Shri Krishna is speaking of – the one we shall identify as ‘Virat Hindu’ here.

Simply Church

Virat Hindus come in more flavors than ‘Chyavanprash’ in Indian markets, and just when you believed you saw them all – there comes rolling another one. So, don’t even begin to think that a puny mind like mine could undertake and succeed in naming all of the breed in their spectacular variety. All the author can humbly venture to do is to provide you with a discernible picture so as to enable the reader to call a spade when they see a spade, er… rather call out a fake when they see one.

If you thought the number of new actresses Bollywood dishes out every Friday was unbelievable, then you are in for a big surprise! The rate at which the numbers of Virat Hindus swell you could well label them rats (but you should not go around calling them that, for in their hearts they are convinced they were that ‘Avataar’ of Vishnu whom the scriptures forgot to mention!) And before you think of lending some of your sympathy, know that Pictionary shows their picture to define ‘confidence’! (Or should that be foolish confidence?) But never mind. Perhaps, there is something good to be learned from everything. After all, one must be really confident to be able to speak as an expert on subjects they do not have the foggiest clue about!

University of Tulsa

The author in the short span of his yet-to-be glorious life had quite a few run-ins with the sundry Virat Hindus. There was this slimy father of one daughter who justified his adultery and debauchery citing ancient examples of ancient Hindu cultures all the while saying that they were so ancient that most of the people could have never known about them. Then there was this woman for whom somehow Hinduism affirmed her belief that true feminism is having the morals of an alley cat. Then there was this highly educated doctor who wanted to know whether I wanted to indulge in Aghora practices – as it later turned out he meant having coitus with married women and indulging in alcohol while performing some satanic ritual straight out of some 80s Hollywood Horror flick.




Then a less serious one, but the one which affected me the most was the time when I got to know that this guy whom I knew only through Facebook was some kind of ‘Jyotishacharya’ (elite astrologer). Foolish as -I would hate to admit- I was (in my defense, I leaned left in those rebellious days, so you can understand that back then I had the license to be stupid about everything) – I planned to ask him about my chart, and even before I could give him my birth place, time or date of birth; with an air of authority the Virat Hindu started giving me predictions that I am more doomed than Rahul Gandhi’s


campaign head. The same man has been spotted nowadays on social media abusing women at the drop of a hat. And to think it was this Virat Hindu who was once giving me remedies on how to cure myself of my past life sins – yes irony committed suicide and then got murdered too. Of course these are extreme examples from my own life. You may not see such extremes – really pray you do not – but you are sure to catch that know-all fool in the next corner who thinks he should be in charge of teaching the whole world about the true meaning of spirituality and the true essence of Hinduism.




Our ‘Avatars’ and ‘Rishis’ and were truly wise, for they left us with just nuggets of pure wisdom in ‘Shastras’ all left for our own interpretation and understanding, but one hopes perhaps on just this instance that, if they could have left more straight dictums – like the monotheistic cults for instance, where there is no room left for interpretation, for their one true God never wants them to have any semblance of free-thought. Which makes the author reach his conclusion – it is too much of free thinking by those who should not have been blessed with a brain to begin with, because they are so twisted and are causing all the more trouble for Hindu society. Every once in a while you will catch some Virat Hindu say something outrageously, scandalously, impermissibly stupid (unfortunately stupidity is not prosecutable) with their piddly or downright distorted ideas about Hindu way of life, and a whole bunch of howling baboons a.k.a. crowd of anti-Hindu forces, who hungrily wait to collect each incautious word of these Virat Hindus, pounces on these to portray their idiocy as what Hindutva stands for. When and who made these Virat Hindus the spokespersons for the entire Hindu community? And why are well-meaning true Hindus like us made to answer for blatherskites drunk on their own ego?

Of course the author was not born with this wisdom of identifying Virat Hindus, but just like Alice he was able to open his eyes and smell the coffee, and when he saw the elephant in the room, he cried wolf to let you all know in on the secret. Because he took notes while in the social media wonderland! So next time you spot a Virat Hindu trying to give a new meaning to Hindu way of life, justifying his oddities, agenda or plain convenience, by providing citations from half-digested knowledge grasped from a barely read single page of some ten thousand paged ‘Shastra,’ do what any sane person would do – RUN. Run as far away from the Virat Hindu as possible, lest you too should get evangelised to an acolyte. Did I tell you? The condition might be contagious.


Cover Picture: (Source: BBC)



Author: Gaurav Chaubey, a full-time ‘Bharatiya’ who just happens to have a specialized practice in Criminal Defence Law

Published: Aug 04, 2018


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