In the Matter of: Justice vs. #MeToo

THERE once lived a Lord Hardwicke, a foolish man with an over-complicated title of ‘Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain.’ Once, while suffering another attack of his clockwork foolishness, he observed “There cannot be anything of greater consequence than to keep the streams of justice clear and pure….” [Case of Printer of St. James’s Evening Post (1742), 2 Atk. 471.] Yeah right! The author does not require the over-complicated title of ‘Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain,’ to know the penultimate truth – There cannot be anything of greater consequence than to maintain my sense of: – ‘gender entitlement,’ ‘being wronged,’ ‘authoritatively pronouncing judgments of guilt sans evidence,’ ‘seeing harassment wherever and however I wish,’ (and most importantly) ‘my Right to Accuse anyone of whatever, and the fact that I have no proof of the alleged misdemeanor or even that I never met them in person, is no prerequisite to maintain my Right to Accuse.’

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Source: Dailyhunt

Therefore, to give my #MeToo story, I invoke my Fundamental Right of ‘Right to Accuse,’ as postulated under the Constitution in Article…….. (Well who needs a dusty old book to tell me what right I do or do not possess, and what rights of others I can or cannot trample upon!). I, the Judge, Jury and Executioner, convict the below mentioned people of unforgivable acts of sexual harassment perpetuated against me during my Seven Ages (P.S. – This list is not comprehensive for I am not ‘triggered’ enough, yet, to recollect and reproduce all acts of harassment committed against me.) : –

  1. The Doctor who delivered me, for he said “It’s a boy!” I bet if I was a girl then he would have said “Congratulations, it’s a girl!” (Yes I remember everything from back then! Even the red Hawaiian shirt with volleyball playing green Dolphins on it; I remember wearing then.) Yes, my victimization began with my first breath!
  2. The young girl who – when I was a rancid smelling schoolboy – refused to play with me. Obviously, for I was not a girl! What other reason could she have?
  3. Another gorgeous girl I first asked out at the age of 17, who wanted to be with someone more important. Didn’t she realize that I was perhaps the most important ‘victim playing’ person of current era, second only to Sanjay Dutt? But nobody made a ‘Sanju’ for the author, why those lousy producers! They have harassed me too! They ought to make ‘Gauru’ on me to show to the world that I am just an innocent steroid fueled, machine gun purchasing, family protecting, reckless driving, mother missing, ‘saste-nashe’ doing sociopath.
  4. Another gorgeous woman who filed a ‘restraining order’ against me! I was just an excited creepily dressed youth who was seeing her go to her job in the morning and then see her leave from there in the night! She would never have done that if I too were a woman. That gender discriminating, author harassing, pretty woman!
  5. The Government, who did not let your jobless middle-aged author become an IPS ‘Singham’ and serve the country! All because your dear author could not clear one stupid UPSC exam, though curiously enough, the sexist regime cleared majority of women in the UPSC exams and even made a woman the topper.
  6. The nurse who discriminated against me by saying that an obese old diabetic like me is unfit to eat a full can of Haldiram’s Rasgulla. Didn’t she realize that I am an independent codger, from the mixed color feather attached to my ‘new-age’ right earring, and hence, I have the right to abuse my body whatever way I see fit, and then still demand that people love me for whatever I am?
  7. The Almighty. As if hell wasn’t bad enough for an innocent soul like mine, even after death I was not allowed to use ‘Ladies Washroom’ to answer the nature’s call! And that’s not all! I was called a ‘pervert’ for my demands and victimized by all the hell keepers for the same. How can I be a pervert, doesn’t the great God know that I sexually identify as a tube of ‘Vicco Vajradanti?’

NOTE – The author herein does not wish to make light of the plight underwent by an actual victim of harassment / gender-based discrimination, but simply wishes to bring to focus – what many seem to have forgotten – that: –

  1. It seems pretty odd that so many women are coming up and speaking against individuals who are important / accomplished in their respective fields. Perhaps individuals not important / accomplished, never commit any harassment.
  2. Majority of these allegations speak of alleged incidents of misdemeanor which took place a long time ago. What was the cause of such inordinate delay?
  3. One may argue that they were afraid of coming up with the allegations in the past because of the
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    status of these alleged accused persons, but then the same is a self-defeating argument, for simply put, many of the accused individuals are now much more prominent than what they were all those years ago, and thus, the fear of them should be more in the minds of the victims now than what it was all those years ago. However, given how brazen the victims are with their allegations, one wonders whether Houdini came and made all the fear in their minds vanish.

  4. Majority of the allegations are without even an iota of evidence to corroborate the same. What is more frightening is how easily people are accepting such uncorroborated allegations? Can’t they – even for a brief moment – place themselves in the shoes of the alleged accused and see the absurdity of the world hating you just because someone ‘loudly’ said you were bad?
  5. A journalist turned Cabinet Minister was recently made to resign (you really want me to write ‘he himself tendered his resignation and no bullying was involved?’) due to heavy protests against him on the basis of #MeToo allegations. Curiously enough, there were other journalists too who were named in the #MeToo allegations, so why protests of similar magnitude were not held against those journalists? Are allegations of certain victims more protest-worthy than those of others? Perhaps, it is a simple case of ‘certain accused are more protest-worthy’ than those accused who are ‘their favorite’ Left leaning journalists.
  6. (Most Importantly) In the matter of Justice v/s. #MeToo, Lord Hardwicke will sit as a member of the exalted jury, tasked with ascertaining as to who all murdered ‘justice?’ And when it shall be brought to his attention by me that ‘uncorroborated allegations’ were believed by you over ‘concrete facts,’ then he shall be forced to set up a Processing Plant to clean up your sewages in the streams of justice.

Author: Gaurav Chaubey (Advocate)

Published: Oct 21, 2018

Title Image Source: Medium

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